Day On The Ledge

DAY ON THE LEDGE

by

Tracy-Ann Francis

 

The slightest things get me on the edge these days, my kid, my plant, even my supposedly devoted husband.

I thought this would be a beautiful place flowing with sweet honey and opportunity knocking at everyone’s door.  Nope, that’s the dream world, the one we all make up to encourage our timidity.

This morning I woke up thinking, man, it’s going to be the best day ever, because I can see and smell and feel the humidity of the day. Wow, what a blessing, then out of nowhere, crushing my moment of pleasure I hear, “Mommy.” I swear I cursed in some unknown language.  There goes my peace.

Like a slave bounded to his master I crawled out of my safe haven and presented myself for duty.  After pouring my love and affection into getting things all ready for the day, rehearsing to myself, that today is way better than yesterday, and that I will make a difference and endeavor to make a change.  Shucks, that’s all hopeful thinking again.  I didn’t even make it out the door when my kid starts looking disappointed and making the droopy face, all upset about hair. No wonder I’m like a house on flame, blazing with frustration.

The commute will be much better because I will be sitting and catching up on my few minutes of lost sleep.  Think again. I chose to sit all by myself in a corner where the chatter boxes and the face decorators and music boxes will pass over, hoping to get that peace and quiet I desire, only to be reminded that it’s a Friday and all the scholars will be boarding this bus due to the last day of knowledge cramming and catching up on the days they skipped classes.  Oh boy, this is my lucky day.

Being tucked away in my little corner, trying to look sober only to be smacked in the face with a stench so horrific, I had no choice but to open the window just above my head, seeking refuge for my nostril.  Could he have not sat anywhere else? No, he had to place himself so close to my person, intentionally invading my space.  My today is going to be way better than my yesterday, I kept thinking.

Ok, forget about the commute, it’s called public transport, which should tell a person something.  Awe, some good classical music should calm the savage beast, yep, that’s me as mean as can be at this moment.  All the good manners and selflessness that my mother thought me just went through the window, when nature’s best find its way on my left cheek.  Yuck, darn bird.

I managed to laugh at someone else’s stupidity,  when I see patients from the hospital already enjoying a puff of what seem to be the cause to their ailment, as they tinkered with the oxygen tank pacing back and forth.  I muttered, useless, waste of effort, causing me to be angry all over again.

As I entered the building, I buffed my chest and swung my head from side to side like an amateur boxer preparing for his first big fight.  I knew what I was up against, it was a no brainer, I have done it a million times, but it’s just that I needed to find my happy place before starting the day.

“Oh, I know what will do the trick.”  I took out my smartphone looked at a picture of a lush tropical rainforest, somewhere in the Amazon that I had saved as my wall paper.  I quickly joined the line in the coffee shop located in the lobby area and got a large espresso coffee with hazel nut vanilla flavored cream. I smiled to myself, thinking this ought to get the job done today.   I took a sip and had my game face on and there I was standing in the elevator heading up the eighth floor ready for the day.

Queen of the telephone and master of solving problems.  I embraced my paying job, charged on coffee as I purposed to finish the day.  Hold that thought.  I see by superior walking over with a pile of you know what in hand, I just wish for once someone would say, “Hi, my hardworking assistant, you deserve the day off, go to the spa, eat lunch and watch your favourite movie all on me.”  Wishful thinking never gets anyone anywhere, back to reality.

By the time lunch hour arrived I was exhausted and just about ready to lay back and put my feet up somewhere and shut my eyes for a nap.  Just five minutes, that’s all I need to refresh myself and get back on the wagon.  In the middle of a long awaited rest, the phone rang.  “What now?” Of course it might be an emergency so I better answer it. 

Unbelievable, the day hasn’t ended and I’m bombarded with request for supper. How can a woman get some peace around here?  I’m sure he didn’t make his vow to the maid and I most certainly am sure he has both hands intact. Anyway, I have bigger fish to fry here at work; I can’t worry about what others want to eat.

The work day ended with a bang as usual, and I still haven’t changed the world, but something has changed in me each day I participate. The commute home was no better than in the morning and I had nothing to look forward to but more work and solving problems and listening to other people’s troubles.  When will it ever end?

Ok, this is my beloved family, I got to have the spirit of enthusiasm and put my other game face on, the happy can do all things face. Who am I kidding? I am like a half beaten rug that’s just ready to be hung out and dried.  But who cares, got to go, someone needs me, besides I have to keep my promise and make a difference, somehow this would complete my day.

Yap, yap, yap, it goes on for a good half hour, but I carefully prepared the meal with loving kindness and an artful skill for all to be filled. Never even gave myself at least twenty minutes to be refreshed to face the giant task awaiting me as a mother and a partner.

Love is an understatement at this moment when the weight of the day comes crumbling down and I am standing on a ledge just waiting to take a plunge.  I just hope that I will land in my tropical rainforest where there is peace and serenity and I'm not expected to do anything beyond the norm.  But what is the norm? My norm is filled with chaos and to do lists that leads me to a place of melancholy.

I can’t fix the world, but I can surly darn well take a break from this chaotic drama and finally get some rest.  Off to bed.

THE END.

 

 

 

Author - Tracy-Ann L. Francis